I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
