Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
