I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
