Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
