I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
