the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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