Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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