My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Girls should come with a carfax report
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
