That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
