Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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