she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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