I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
