3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
