If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
