the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
