I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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