The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
