can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
