i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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