I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
