Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
