this boner is exhausting
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
