So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
