Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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