Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
