Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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