We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
