I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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