chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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