I didn't shave. On purpose
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
