someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
