i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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