Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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