How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
