frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
