Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
