Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
