Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
