I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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