All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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