K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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