i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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