pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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