i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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