Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
