I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
