happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
