I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i out mim tonsoeep
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
