did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
