I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
