1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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