the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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