you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Couch. On fire.
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