My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
