Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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