i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
