I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
