You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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