So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize