I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
