Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
