if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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