he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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