I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
