i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
nutella sex= disaster
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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