how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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